God provide?

I'm in a messy part of life. My emotions are all conflicted and entangled and I don't know exactly how to deal with them all. First comes the sadness of knowing I won't be seeing my closest friends for over a year. Then comes the knowledge that that might not actually be the case, that I may actually not be going back and that I may be seeing them pretty much every day which seems oh so nice. And then I get sad thinking of no longer being in the land that I love and the place I feel most at home. It breaks my heart when I ponder not going back. But at the same time, I want God's will and not my own. And I simply just want to make the right decision. The right choice. What is that, anyway?

It's kinda scary how I've so easily fallen back into my old life. And it's been fantastic. I love being home, I love spending time with old friends, reminiscing and catching up. Old pains and annoyances are more ably overlooked and dealt with. Life is more in perspective. I'm surprised that being home hasn't been more of a challenge. But I'm so happy about it! It means coming home next year (hopefully) will not present the horrible emotional pains that I thought it would. I'm surprised at how ok I am at thinking both ways. There's two roads before me... both have heart-ache and pain awaiting, both have incredible joy and adventures in store. The question is, which one is the right one, the one God wants me to take, the one I'm supposed to take, and when will there be provision?

Why must it always come down to money? Why must all my worries surround this one minute thing? I'm shocked that so few people have given, and it's hard not to let that make me feel unloved, unsupported, uncared for, and unnoticed. Or that maybe it's not actually God's plan for me to go. Or that maybe it is God's plan for me to go, but that Satan is trying to stop it from happening and I just need more faith. See the dilemma? God help me. God save me. God prepare me.