There's Only One Thing To Do in a Situation Like Mine... BLOG!

The past week... nay, past 4 days have been incredibly nuts. I went from worrying horribly at raising funds to get back to England and all the emotions that come with knowing you're going to be leaving soon, to finally submitting to God and deciding to stay home, joining Bannockburn a day before classes start, orientating myself to getting a job, moving out (perhaps starting a community house) and all that it entails, getting things organized, perhaps going to school to be a dental assistant, mom telling me I need to work on getting a job so I can move out, mom telling me I'll be paying for my college education by myself, and now... BAM. Get ready for it. My mom is dating someone.


*Deep Inhale* Let's repeat. My mom is dating someone.


It's not so much the fact that she's dating, it's how's it's come about. So, I'm here sitting on the couch asking her about if dental assisting is a possibility, taking the mick out of her because of her reaction to helping me out in college and low and behold, the phone rings. Ordinarily this is not a strange and curious phenomenon, but the response is what makes me know something is different. "Who was that on the phone?" I ask, expecting it to be a girl friend. "No, one."

Ummm... what?

"Actually, it's a guy who asked me out."

Uhhhhhhh.... what?!

"I'm really nervous about it and don't know where it's gonna lead, so if he's good you'll get to meet him"

Uhhh... I just wanna know how this happened!?!?!

She leaves the house with a friend because she has to run some errands. 2 hours later I call concerning purchasing some books for school. No answer. The usual call 3 times in a row thing doesn't work either. Finally, an hour later, a call back arrives. I jokingly say that whenever I cannot get in touch with her, I'll now think she's on a date. And then ask how it's going. She dodges the question, of course and then says that she'll be home late. Late? Are you having a good time? Surprisingly, yes.

As I write, it's now quarter past midnight. On a brief excursion out to find food, I discover our vacated car at Starbucks. I can't believe it. My mom is actually on a date!

It's been 13 years... she hasn't dated since I was 6. I'm seriously excited for her, cause I've always wanted her to have someone to take care of her and love her. But the way she's handling it makes me think I could need therapy.

Then there's the fact that my mom's out and I'm not. That's just wrong.

Maybe this is why I'm supposed to stay here and not be in England. Maybe it's to make sure she doesn't elope without letting me know...

God provide?

I'm in a messy part of life. My emotions are all conflicted and entangled and I don't know exactly how to deal with them all. First comes the sadness of knowing I won't be seeing my closest friends for over a year. Then comes the knowledge that that might not actually be the case, that I may actually not be going back and that I may be seeing them pretty much every day which seems oh so nice. And then I get sad thinking of no longer being in the land that I love and the place I feel most at home. It breaks my heart when I ponder not going back. But at the same time, I want God's will and not my own. And I simply just want to make the right decision. The right choice. What is that, anyway?

It's kinda scary how I've so easily fallen back into my old life. And it's been fantastic. I love being home, I love spending time with old friends, reminiscing and catching up. Old pains and annoyances are more ably overlooked and dealt with. Life is more in perspective. I'm surprised that being home hasn't been more of a challenge. But I'm so happy about it! It means coming home next year (hopefully) will not present the horrible emotional pains that I thought it would. I'm surprised at how ok I am at thinking both ways. There's two roads before me... both have heart-ache and pain awaiting, both have incredible joy and adventures in store. The question is, which one is the right one, the one God wants me to take, the one I'm supposed to take, and when will there be provision?

Why must it always come down to money? Why must all my worries surround this one minute thing? I'm shocked that so few people have given, and it's hard not to let that make me feel unloved, unsupported, uncared for, and unnoticed. Or that maybe it's not actually God's plan for me to go. Or that maybe it is God's plan for me to go, but that Satan is trying to stop it from happening and I just need more faith. See the dilemma? God help me. God save me. God prepare me.